Light in the Darkness
“Be still and know that I am God…”
(Psalm 46:10)
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
(Psalm 46:1)
There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light.
(Revelation 22:5)
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul,
firm and secure. It enters the inner
sanctuary behind the curtain.
(Hebrews 6:19)
This morning as I pray and seek the LORD for words to write, there is a heaviness within my heart. Outside, 
the birds are awakening and singing a cheerful melody. The sun is rising and there is a healthy glow brightening today. Yet, inside my heart there is a heaviness. Inside the walls of my mind, there is a cloud surrounding a dark memory as, once again, I remember the day my earthly father took his life.
The reality is that we live in a broken hurting sin filled world. When we trust Jesus to be our personal LORD and Savior, it does not inoculate us from tragedy or pain. In fact, Jesus tells us in John 16:33 “In this world you will have trouble.” We can count on trouble to come. He goes on to tell us “But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
As the month of April approaches, I feel the cloud inside grow with apprehension. I think to myself “It’s been fifteen years, this year.” There is a reluctance to write today, to tell this part of “my story.” Is it pride? Do I feel embarrassed and ashamed or powerless? I confess my sin to God, ask forgiveness and tell Him, “not my will, but Yours be done.” I pick up my pen and write.
Sometimes, life happens. Situations happen outside of our control. Our human understanding can simply not grasp and/or make sense of the darkness, the pain. There are times we grieve and mourn and journey through deep loss and heartache, not fully understanding or comprehending the question, “why?”.
I wish that I didn’t have to acknowledge the tragedy of suicide in my personal story. But I do. Not only my father, but my prayer partner and friend, Lisa. The statistics only tell the sad story that this “reality” is increasing! Today, so many people know first-hand the reality of losing a loved one to depression in the form of suicide. Just the words on the page appear dark and make me gasp for breath!
Memories of “that day” haunt me, my family. It is so difficult to lose a loved one. But to tragically suddenly lose a loved one by them taking their life adds “onion peel layers” to the grief and healing process. The layers of grief are peeled away and exposed over time. Not knowing, at any given moment, when another peel of grief could be exposed. It leaves you hurting intensely, feeling vulnerable. Exposed.
I tell my story with the intention of sharing hope and sounding an alarm! Depression is real. It is treatable. There is not a “quick fix” or a vaccination. But, with time, treatment, medication, prayer, faith; there is a cure.
The day that I lost my dad is forever seared into my mind. Intense pain. Shock. Grief. Despair. I ran through the gamut of emotions, including being angry with God. Over the months preceding his death, I watched my dad’s health fail. I felt so helpless. He was in intense pain and had lost greater than fifty pounds. He was constantly at the doctor’s office. As his physical health declined, his mental and emotional health slid into a deep dark pit of despair. He was unable to verbally express his feelings. He was unable to focus and seemed to have a deep fog over his brain’s reasoning. His thoughts were becoming irrational. I felt an intense sense of “urgency”. This person my father was becoming was not the same person that I had come to know over the years.
My father in recent years had become a man of deep faith; loving and serving God with his entire being. He knew first-hand the grace of Jesus and the power of the cross! He had accepted Jesus as His personal Lord and Savior. His changed life was evident to all that had previously known him. He had left behind alcohol, cigarettes; a sordid lifestyle. He had become a pillar of faith; sharing Jesus and living whole-hearted obedience. He wanted to be the “grampy” to his grandkids that he had not been to his kids. He wanted to show the love of Christ and share the difference that Jesus makes in your choices!
But, now, the man before me was struggling. He could not read his Bible. He could not pray. All he felt was pain; physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. He was losing hope. He was sliding deeper into a black hole.
My dad, at that time, was in a place that I had not traveled. Years later, I did experience a clinical depression; the blackest darkness. Yet, I can only begin to partially understand the depth of this torment, agony and pain through what I experienced personally. Every person’s pain and experience is as unique as the individual. I don’t believe anyone can ever fully understand or claim to understand another’s suffering fully. At that time, I could not formulate words to express the intensity of my feelings. I could only fix my eyes on Jesus and hang onto Him as the anchor of my soul with every ounce of my being!
Depression is real. It is so much more than feeling sad. It can grow to become “all consuming”. For me, it was a deep, dark pit of despair. I couldn’t eat, drink, focus or do normal daily tasks. I was plagued with deep fear and anxiety. Although, by faith, I knew that God was there, I felt like I couldn’t reach Him. I felt helpless and alone; although my family and friends rallied around me. On one hand, I knew that my thoughts were “not me”, were irrational. But I couldn’t do anything to change them. I felt paralyzed. I cried out for “Help!” and slowly began the journey of healing.
We live in a “fast food” instant gratification society: wanting quick answers/solutions to all of our problems. Although there is great healing for depression, it is like running a 
marathon, not a sprint. It takes time, one step at a time. But, like any race, you have to begin at the starting line. Begin by telling a loved one, a trusted friend. See a doctor. Get professional help. Take medications. Pray! Do whatever it takes to Hang on! There is hope! We serve a God who loves us, cares and is our ever-present hope in times of trouble! Trust Him! The verse that I held onto “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
The past year, 2020 ,seemed to take so much from so many. But God is still on the throne! He has a good plan for you, for your life! If you find yourself hopeless, you are not helpless. Start the race against depression! You are NOT alone! Tell someone so they can run along side of you and be your support! Hear the words of the LORD, “Be strong and courageous. do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)
The Memory: The HOPE
Reluctantly, into my memory I go
Feet dragging, intentionally slow.
Tragedy, darkness, shock, fear
Emotions erupt. Hot flowing tears appear.
Oh how it tears my hear; That painfully horrific day-
When my dad suddenly ended his life; went away.
The questions of “why?” swirled around.
No answer satisfied; only deep pain was found.
How could you do “this”; leave us alone?
Why couldn’t you reach out and call us on your phone?
The answers would never be “enough” or satisfy.
I feel the pain, sob and cry.
The feelings of anger, deep sorrow, helplessness re-emerge.
I lay them at the feet of Jesus for Him to wash and purge.
When I come to Him, am humble, give him the depth of my despair.
He meets me, gives peace, comforts and cares.
Grief has layers, like an onion peel.
I press into Jesus and ask Him to heal.
He takes the pain, agony, grief and sorrow.
He brings peace and bright hope for tomorrow.
He takes my hand; leads me through-
The deep waters of grief. My soul cries out “Jesus, I trust You!”
He is my anchor in every storm.
He holds me close, protects; keeps me safe and warm.
He knows the pain that I cannot bear.
He wraps me in His arms with tender care.
It has been fifteen years since this tragic loss but the pain reemerges as I remember.
I wipe my tears and do not linger.
I fix my eyes on Jesus. He is the only way!
I will see both my earthly and Heavenly Father , one day.
Because my dad trusted in Jesus as Savior and LORD.
He loved Jesus and His Word.
His life was not defined by the final event.
It is in what Jesus did on the cross, raising from the dead, defeating sin;
I remember this season of Lent.
At this time, I shout to all.
If you do not know Jesus, NOW, is the time! On His name call.
Turn to Him. Repent! Fall on your knees. Call on His name.
He forgives your sins. Cleanses. Gives new life. You are never the same!
NOW is the time to receive Jesus; resurrection power.
He is coming soon. We do not know the day or hour.
But seasons are changing; time drawing near.
Cast your cares on Him; let Him remove all doubt and fear.
Jesus is THE ONLY WAY!
To go to heaven one glorious day!
Kristina Tripkovic @tinamosquito
Claudia Wolff @kaimantha
Jessica Delp @jfdelp
Aaron Burden @aaronburden
2 Comments
Sue Wilson
Thanks for sharing your heart Kim. Many people are hurting from the results of a suicide in their family or friends. Hugs.
Frank
Very good! Thank You for sharing this! I battle with depression at times, this writing has reminded me that we are not alone in this and we serve an amazing God who cares about us and wants us to turn to him during these seasons of despair for his strength to battle through.